Becoming Stressed...

OK, I don't like to read negative posts by others, so I know most will not enjoy reading this post, however, I kinda feel like I'm using this tool as a journal for myself. I think it will help to write about it.

I talked to my boss awhile back about my maternity leave. This is not something I was looking forward to, as I love my job and always want to seem motivated and willing to work. I felt as though telling her that I would need a minimum of 6 weeks off to have this baby, she would think less of me as an employee and an asset to the company. She has kids herself so of course she understands and I know I'm over thinking it, but the thoughts definitely cross my mind. But I do somewhat play an important role at our office (I'm kind of a big deal :) haha...totally kidding!), and they need to have a replacement for me while I'm gone. So they interviewed some candidates within the company that were interested in moving up and ended up giving the temporary position to a girl from our headquarters in Dallas. She flies in next week so I can train her in her new responsibilities as "Acting Reservations Manager". This COMPLETELY freaks me out! You can understand why, right? What if she's better than me? What if she's faster than me? What if people like her better? UGH! I HATE it! I'm gonna come back in August and everyone will be super bummed to see her go! Or will they?! What if they ask her to stay? I don't have the question of them possibly demoting me, but if they offer her another management position in our office, will they constantly compare us? I'm worried when I do come back, I will be exhausted from dealing with a newborn all night and just wont have my priorities in the same place anymore. UGH! All the worries.

I had my doctor's appointment this morning. My blood pressure has elavated in the past few weeks. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with work. I'm sure some of it has to do with just being uncomfortable ALL THE TIME, and the anxieties I'm having about labor. But she wants me to come in every week from now on and have it checked out. If it gets any higher, she'll put me on medicine to control it, and hopefully I will still be able to have a regular child birth. The more I think about it as I near the "D-Day," I don't want a c-section! I just think I'll miss out on the AMAZING feeling of holding him for the first time. Getting ready with the childbirth classes and watching the videos, I cry EVERY time I see a mother hold her baby for the first time on her chest after she's worked so hard for so long. I'm sickly scared for the pain of labor! Dont get me wrong, when I first found out I was pregnant I kinda hoped for a c-section. I've never understood why anyone would want to put themselves in that pain if they didnt have to. But now, I've completely made a 180. It's supposed be painful. I know God would never give me something I couldn't handle (my mom always says that, and I LOVE it). And the reward will be undescribable! I can already imagine my emotions...